In a fog.
Out of air.
An empty shell shuffling between matches.
Those all describe how I felt tonight. I was excited to get back to sparring after being off a couple weeks. I was excited to see a full class tonight. I had a couple decent rolls to start the night. Then…something happened. I felt like I was a white belt again. I was rolling with someone and could not catch my breath.
It wasn’t like when you run a sprint or compete in a hard fought BJJ match and you’re over in the corner sucking air. Instead it felt like I was under water, and had to come up gasping for air. I tapped. In a way, it felt as if I’d panicked, something I hadn’t done in probably two years.
In other ways, it felt like I gave up, like I quit. I’m not sure what happened. Even 45 minutes later, on the drive home, I could still feel it. I could breath fine. I wasn’t short of breath. I had not problem taking deep breaths, but I felt it. I really don’t know if it was my asthma (I took my inhaler, something I rarely have to do) or was just one of those times when I could actually catch my breath but convinced myself I couldn’t.
Whatever it was, for the next few matches I felt almost lifeless. I was sparring someone underwater. Every movement was slow and sluggish.
I’m not sure what my problem was tonight, but this was definitely one of those times when I didn’t have “it.” Instead, anything I did, I had to work hard for.
It wasn’t a fun night. But, it was another night in my journey of BJJ.